Him: Oh my god that was so good. Jordan Peele took it there!
Her: I know! So good! I can’t believe some people are complaining about it being anti-white.
Him: Well…it kinda was.
Him: Nah I’m just playin. That shit wasn’t anti-white.
Right! Yeah. That’s what I thought. I remember reading one person’s review on Rotten Tomatoes and they actually called the it “reverse racist.” It’s like, how insecure do you have to be?
Him: Yeah it’s dumb. Wanna grab a dr–
Her: Oh my god and did you see that couple in front of us get up and leave? Obviously, they couldn’t handle having their precious little race portrayed as the bad guys for once.
Him: Maybe they were scared.
Her: Nuhuh. They were totally racist. Reminds me of when I was seeing Selma for the fourteenth time and that little old white lady had a “heart attack.”
Him: Oh fuck! Was she okay?
Her: She was fine. She was obviously just trying to find an excuse to leave the cinema.
Him: I dunno–
Her: Trust me! I know how white people work!
Her: So anyway, despite knowing everything there is to know about white people, one thing I didn’t understand in the movie was why they only went after Black people for their bodies. Like, was that part even explained?
Him: Aaaaah yeah. It was explained.
Her: Oh my god what? Did I miss something?
Him: Okay so the reason they only went for Black people was because deep down they all aspired to be Black. Black is the new…Black.
Her: Well that’s kind of arrogant.
Him: Come again now?
Her: What?! It is! To think that your race is so superior that people from other races are going to commit murder just so they can become one of you.
Him: Okay hold up–
Her: And to be clear, I’m not attacking Black people here. This isn’t a white on black issue. I would be saying the same thing if the movie was about Asians. Or Hispanics. It’s just think it’s kind of arrogant for one race to think that they’re so amazing that everyone else on the planet wants to be them.
Him: Well, I mean, as far as America is concerned, it’s kinda true.
Her: As evidenced by what?
Him: As evidenced by hundreds of years of cultural appropriation.
Her: Yeah but that doesn’t apply to everyone. We’re not all Kylie Jenner.
Him: Okay, how about this: on Tuesday night, you messaged me asking if I had any, and I quote, “sticky icky hookups.” When we went to visit your sister last month we stayed for three extra hours just so you could practice cornrowing your niece’s hair. Your entire fantasy line-up is Black. You know the Single Ladies dance better than Beyonce and those Timberlands you’re wearing look kind of ridiculous, no offense.
Her: So what are you’re saying I’m Rachel Dolezal or something?
Him: I’m just saying that you have to admit, there are a lot of things about your life that have been influenced by Black culture. And that’s kinda where the movie was coming from.
Her: And that’s fine. I just think it’s ridiculous to suggest that white people would go so far as to start killing Black people just so they can become one of them.
Him: Uuuhm, white people have done some shit. I would’t put it pass y’all.
Her: If that’s the case why did you ask me out? Was you just tryin’ to get up in dis punnany?
Him: To be honest it’s because I thought you were cute. And for the record you weren’t wearing Tims at the time.
Her: Well this is who I am.
Him: [Awkward silence]
Her: All I’m saying is that I find the plot to be a little–
Her: Pro-black. Dangerously pro-black.
Him: Yea…we probably shouldn’t see each other again.
Her: You are so lucky I don’t have a tea cup.